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Editors Note: Wolcher Gulch is our fictitious Western Town that our regular shooters inhabit. There is always some excitement
just around the corner but our townsfolk always seem to be able to resolve the problems, usually with the help of a .45. By
the way, if you dont know, a Wolcher is a big bird that in other parts of the country is known as a Vulture. Our local Dutchmen
get their Vs and Ws mixed up, and that is why we live in Wolcher Gulch
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TALES OF
WOLCHER GULCH
by Tin Ear
The winter in Wolcher Gulch was long and cold with an unusual amount of snow. Things were quiet for Ranger Smith and Rusty
Pipes as the inhabitants of this small western town were busy surviving the cold and snow. Everything was peaceful between
the Badlanders Gang and the townsfolk, but with the Spring thaw that was about to change.
When we last left Wolcher Gulch, the Straight Shootin Women and Black Smith Marts realistic figures of cowboys and stampeding
cattle had saved the town.
Ranger Smith must have made some good invest-ments over the winter since, when we saw him last, he looked more like a
banker than the local law. He wore formal wear, complete with a top hat. Tin Ear was also seen sporting a rather dubious mustache
at the latest gathering of the townsfolk. Some of the regular visitors to town were missing, however, other new folks filled
their place. Most of these early tourists of the Old West arrived, ready for action against hostile Indians, thieving outlaws
and berserk buffalo. Armed with a rifle, two pistols, hunting knife and a lasso, they were an army of one.
The first Sunday in May was typical of an early Spring day in Wolcher Gulch. It was starting to get warm, and the winter
mud was beginning its yearly change to summer dust. After the morning services, the townsfolk gathered at Roadkill Cookies
Saloon and were all talking about how the Ladies saved the town. All of a sudden, a shrill whistle was heard out on the street.
Everyone ran out the door to see if the Devil hisself had arrived in town. It turned out to be one of them new fangled motor
wagons driven by Tin Ear, the local line man who worked for a new company in the area called A.T.&T. This company had
recently run the local telegraph line. Although Wolcher Gulch was a small town, it was not a backward town, and each day more
new inventions were creeping into every day life. Now Tin Ear was starting to install a new machine called a tel-e-phone.
It was an oak box that hung on the wall. If everything worked right (it seldom did), you could talk to and hear people from
as far away as twenty miles. Getting back to the steam wagon, none of the townsfolk had ever seen such a thing, and with all
its huffin and puffin were afraid to get too near. Tin Ear explained that it ran without horses, and you did not have to feed
it if you did not use it. Also there were no road apples to contend with. Rusty Pipes and Ranger Smith decided that it looked
like something the Devil sent and would have no part of it. Tin Ear said that it was a machine something like a train locomotive
that ran on the roads and did not need tracks. It was quiet and did not bother the horses, and it was reported that on a flat
open road would run at least fifty miles an hour. Just as Ranger Smith was getting a little close to the wagon, the pressure
was released from the boiler and he was hidden by a cloud of steam. Ranger Smith yelled, holy sassafras, it is an invention
of the Devil and you will never get me near it again! Just then Cimarron Red came running from the Sheriffs office hollerin
for Ranger Smith. Dakota Jack had just called to report that the bank in Guthsville was just robbed by Poncho Villa and at
High Noon they were going to burn the town. It was now 10 A.M., and there was no way that Ranger Smith could bring help and
arrive by Noon. It was a three hour hard ride on a fast horse, and they would arrive an hour after the town was burned. Tin
Ear suggests that they all get on the steam wagon, and he would drive them to Guthsville. With that announcement, Ranger Smith
and Rusty Pipes turn white as they were not about to have anything to do with the Devils Wagon. Lester Moore reminds Ranger
Smith that it is the spirit of Wolcher Gulch to help neighbors in need and that they must go. Rusty says they will go in the
wagon if Lester joins them. At that point, Lester remembers an important meeting and says that he cant go. After a few minutes,
Rusty Pipes and Ranger Smith decide that they will throw caution to the wind and go on the wagon and ask for a posse to go
with them. Cimarron Red, Emberado, Stump and Wrong Arm all decide that they do not want to miss a ride on the Devils Wagon
and say they will go along. In twenty minutes they all meet back at Cookies and are ready to go. They now have an hour and
a half to reach Dakota Jack and save Guthsville. They are all armed with two revolvers, a rifle and a shotgun. Ranger Smith
deputizes everyone, and they are ready to go. Ranger Smith, dressed in his best formal suit and his top hat, says that, if
the Devils Wagon is going to end his days, he wants to be dressed for the occasion.
Tin Ear gets in the drivers seat and releases the brake and advances the throttle. With a quiet whoosh of steam, the wagon
heads out of town. Within a mile they were moving at half throttle. The road is smooth, and they reach the unbelievable speed
of thirty miles an hour. The best horse could run that fast but would soon tire. For everyone but Tin Ear, this was their
first ride in a steam wagon. They all had ridden on the train but there were tracks to maintain direction. The only thing
that kept them on the road was Tin Ears steady hand on the tiller. Ranger Smith removes his top hat and was praying to the
almighty that they would be delivered from this iron monster and into the relative safety of a gunfight in Guthsville. As
they fly down the road in a cloud of steam and dust, they pass grazing cattle and easily outdistance running deer. Finally
Rusty, who is enjoying the ride, asks how fast they are going. Tin Ear yells back that the throttle was wide open, and they
are going almost fifty miles an hour. Ranger Smith starts praying even louder while the rest hang on for dear life.
Forty-five minutes after leaving Wolcher Gulch, the steam wagon puffs up the last hill overlooking Guthsville. The scene
below was worse than they feared. The town was surrounded by Ponchos men, and they are holding Dakota Jack at gunpoint in
front of the jail. Rusty calls everyone together and starts to explain a plan when they are spotted by Poncho. A shot rings
out, and Rusty yells........
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Tales of "Wolcher Gulch", Continued
by Rusty Pipes
Hit the dirt, as the stray shot went right through Ranger Smiths fancy new stovepipe hat and punctures the boiler on the
steam wagon. A humongous cloud of steam erupts, giving the posse time to find cover.Wrong Arm and Stump find ample protection
behind a pair of short barrel cactus, while the rest of them dive behind big rocks. They draw their six-guns and rifles to
exchange fire with Pancho Villas band of cutthroats. Realizing the distance is just too far to be effective, the shooting
slacks off; and it appears its turning into a Mexican stand-off.
An idea forms in Rustys mind as he runs to the back of the steam wagon to get out three Sharps buffalo rifles. Cimmaron
Red, Emberado and Rusty take careful aim at long range to work on the bandits hiding places. Then Cimmaron says to start shooting
the horses. When Poncho realizes whats happening, he orders his men to mount up and retreat across the river while they still
can. The citizens of Guthsville are safe for the time being, but Poncho vows to return because he misses the colored eggs
from Dakota Jacks peacock.A discussion starts as to how the posse from Wolcher Gulch will get home. All the horses are dead
or in Mexico. Tin Ear knows how to fix the steam wagon but he needs some supplies. Tin chimney pipe and bailing wire are needed
but none can be found in Guthsville. Emberado says he knows of a store that stocks these items. The store is just a short
distance across the river. The volunteers disguise themselves to enter Mexico.
Tin Ear used to work in Mexico as a lineman for A.T.&T. His picture appears on WANTED posters across the border. He
is accused of cutting the wire when he crossed the river, causing communications to stop and the lights to go out, leaving
the foreign country in the DARK. Tin Ear dresses in a serape, sombrero and glues a road-killed chipmunk under his nose, so
no one recognizes him.Emberado dresses in his Vaquero outfit. Ranger Smith must go, to bankroll the mission, using the cash
he had leftover from his tuxedo purchase. He is very handsome in this outfit, resembling a Spanish dictator. So our heros
head for supplies at the Jackson Hole Sand and Hardware Company............
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Continued by Blacksmith Mart
On the trail to Jackson Hole Sand and Hardware our heroes came across an odd band of travelers. Colonel Mortimer Van Cleef
, Scarlet Spade, Blacksmith Mart, an Dolly Lolly. All were returning from the famed Rodeo at Edgwood Valley.Where are you
all going asked The Colonel.We are on our way to get supplies so we can fix our steam wagon and return to Wolcher Gulch. What
is needed to repair this contraption asks Blacksmith. Some tin and baling wire To cover the hole Ponchos gang shot in the
boiler replies Tin Ear.That I have in my blacksmith bag says Blacksmith.Good deal answers Tin Ear then we dont have to cross
the Border and I can take this dead chipmunk off, lets get going, well explain what happened along the way back to Guthsville.
We must be careful because Poncho and his gang might still be hanging around town. Cimmaron Red and Rusty Pipes and the others
are making sure nothing happens to the steam wagon. Scarlet asks does this mean we might get to shoot some Mexicans. Scarlet
really doesnt like Mexicans as you can tell.It just might Happen replies The Colonel. Well have to wait and see if the others
have the situation under control. Upon arriving at the steam wagon everything was quiet when they arrived but this didnt last
very long As soon as Blacksmith and Tin Ear had the steam wagon fixed the bullets started flying again. Return fire shouted
Rusty.They must think we are running out of ammo. We can fool them says Dolly Lolly we have lots of blanks left over from
our Rodeo Show.Well start shooting yells Ranger Smith so they will think they are outnumbered. Scarlet asks if she can shoot
a couple with her Buffalo rifle. Shoot as many as you want replies The Colonel.
The bullets start flying and soon the Mexicans retreat back across the river again. I guess we showed them says Dolly
and Scarlet. We might not have hit many but we sure scared them off for now.Blacksmith and Tin Ear have the steam wagon ready
to roll and are ready to start back to Wolcher Gulch.Who is riding with me says Tin Ear.Ranger Smith says I might as well
ride with you again. It cant be any worse than the trip to Guthsville.
As our heroes and their newfound compadres ride the dusty trail back to Wolcher Gulch at a leisurely pace more trouble
arises. A gang of bandits that just robbed the Rodeo of the prize money decides they need the Steam Wagon for their getaway
vehicle. Tin Ear exclaims over my dead body The bandito Billy Baits explains That can be arranged..........
To be continued
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Tales of Wolcher Gulch
continued by Col. Mortimer VanCleef
That can be arranged. Scowls Billy. The notorious Outlaw eyed up the motleyassortment of characters as well as the strange
contraption they where ridingin. The rest of Billys gang watched on, eager to spill blood if necessary.
Yad be better off shootin the whole lot. Observed the infamous Big Bore,A tall man dressed in black; know for his aggressive
nature as well as his fondness for large caliber weapons. We could then sell that steam wagon for quite a
pretty penny. Added Nugget Jack as he fidgeted with the large nugget of gold he had fashioned into a ring for one of his
fingers. Nugget Jack was like-wise dressed head to toe in black, of everyone in Billys gang he was the fanciest
dresser, but his dapper countenance and cool, steady voice did well to disguise his cold-blooded heart. Colonel Glover,
another of Billys gang watched the whole scene unfold wordlessly, his shooting hand never straying to far from
his six-shooter holstered at his hip. Colonel Glover had heard of Colonel Mortimer VanCleef and was of the opinion that
there was only enough room for one Colonel in Wolcher Gulch. The last member of Billys gang was a small, thin, quiet woman
who sat on her horse with an extra thick Indian blanket bundled around her.
Billy dismounted his horse, his spurs rattling against his dust caked boots. Looks like we have a little bit of a situation
here Tin Ear, Ya see my gang here has taken a shine to your fancy contraption and Big Bore hasnt shot anyone in almost an
hour. The desperado took a few steps closer to Tin Ear. Billy pulled his coat back to reveal his black handled pistol.
Ranger Smith and Emberado exchanged nervous glances. They had just gotten the Devils Wagon back together and they werent
too keen on surrendering it to a passel of nerdowells. Tin Ear watched out the corner of his eye as Scarlet Spade drew out
a small derringer pistol which she had hidden somewhere on her person. Colonel VanCleef was slowly reaching for the scatter
gun lying on the floor of the steam wagon. The way he had been shooting lately that was possibly his best bet. Blacksmith
Mart had his hand resting on the hilt of his bowie knife, and Dolly Lolly was reaching into her purse for the pistol she kept
there. Very soon the quiet late afternoon would be violently disturbed with a hail of red hot lead.
Without warning, a loud booming voice called out to the assembled cowboys. All eyes turned to the horizon to view the
brazen newcomer, who sat astride a mighty steed silhouetted against the setting sun. Yall behave yourselves now, ya hear!.
Continued by Rusty Pipes
The booming voice belonged to Boomer, entrepreneur of antiques, heirlooms, collectibles and just plain junk. Riding with
him were his constant companions, Griz and Kaydine -- Two of the shrewdest ex-marshals, turned outlaws.
Boomer and Griz were armed with Winchesters latest, high speed lever action shotguns; and Kaydine was carrying his big
lever gun that holds about 26 rounds. The good guys from Wolcher Gulch and Billys gang of ner do wells can see that theyre
outgunned. Peace and quiet prevail temporarily. To the untrained eye, these three gangs look like The Good, The Bad, and
The Ugly.
Boomer says he aims to take the steam wagon, so he and his boys can make another trip to Alaska. Theyre gonna pan for
gold, hunt grizzlies, drink whisky till there aint no more and generally just make a nuisance of themselves.
The three gangs eye one another suspiciously, then begin backing up, forming a triangle around the steam wagon.
Without warning, the steam wagon lets off a loud bang while steam and boiling water erupt from the stack. Thinking its
gunfire, all the members of each gang draw down on the steam wagon and open fire. Sounds just like a team shoot. The shooting
stops when they all run out of ammo. The steam wagon is reduced to a bent and twisted pile of metal.
Boomers gang heads north to Alaska. Billys bunch of cutthroats heads back across the river. The
posse from Wolcher Gulch gathers round the pile of
rubble, knowing that they will have a long walk home.
Tin Ear is deeply saddened at the loss of his beloved steam wagon. As tears stream down Tin Ears cheeks, staining his
new balinies, Blacksmith Mart speaks up. Dont worry everyone; we can come
back next spring and make targets from this pile of scrap metal!
And so, as another year comes to an end, we want to thank you for riding the trail with us and hope youve had as much
fun as we did. Well be busy, over winter, working on our 10th anniversary BMSO and designing new scenarios for your enjoyment.
Wishing you a safe, happy holiday season.
God Bless America
The Townsfolk of Wolcher Gulch
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